Tuesday, October 03, 2006

In Memory

It's hard to believe that it's been two years (and three hours and thirty minutes) since I received the phone call that my father had died. It's easy to say that it feels like it happened yesterday, but it does. Odd, but I still sometimes forget that he's gone. The other night, I happened to stumble upon a memory of a friend of mine from grade school, and I realized I had forgotten her last name. The first thought, the first thought that entered my head was: I'll just call Dad. He'll remember.

He always knew everything, always remembered everything. And even though he didn't seem to have much to say, his wisdom was apparent to everyone who met him. There is so much I never learned from him, so much I'll never know. I have no regrets over this, as I know we never can know someone completely; I cherish the 33 years we had together, but the thought that I can't just pick up the phone to ask him XYZ fills me with sorrow. The thought that I'll never have the chance to say goodbye leaves me feeling hollow.

Last night, D asked me if I think October 3rd will ever not carry this weight for me. I said, No, the date is permanently etched in my brain as the day my father left this world.

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes -- Gloria Naylor

9 Comments:

Blogger chippamunkey said...

I am really sorry to hear about your loss. Although it doesn't compare to your loss, I sort of understand. I haven't spoken to my father in almost 6 years. He has a problem with alcoholism (and from what I have heard drug addiction - although I never saw any evidence of that). It was hard to let go of that relationship because I had always wished it would be better.

I can't imagine how it would have been to lose a father that I had been close too, but infact I feel like it is happening to me now. My grandfather, who raised me like his own child, is dying of lung cancer. He is at the stage where they cannot treat him. I feel so helpless in this situation and I just wish that I could turn back the clock and make my grandmother stop smoking.

I feel so badly for you, and just know that although I am in a different country, and almost on the opposite side of the continent from you, I am hear for you if you need someone to talk to.

*hugs*

1:02 PM  
Blogger TessaJ said...

Thank you. You are so kind. And I feel for you about your grandfather; hopefully, you can use this time to tell him how much you love him and talk about everything you want to know and that he wants to tell you.

I cannot imagine not having had my father in my life. I feel so lucky that he was such a good man. A simple man, in many ways: very shy and reserved and basic with his needs, but also very loving and supportive and kind. Every once in a while the permanence of the loss really hits me -- those: "I'll never get to do X again" with him. But more often the every day, "I want to tell him something special" hits me. When a person is such a big part of your life for so long, they remain present, even if they aren't physically there.

1:35 PM  
Blogger Julia said...

Sweet TJ, you're in my thoughts all day today.

3:52 PM  
Blogger TessaJ said...

Thanks. I'm doing alright, just feeling like talking about him and feeling a bit sad because I'm alone and nowhere near my family.

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Vanessa said...

Theresa, thank you for sharing about your father. You really make me realize how important it is to tell your family often how much you love them and how much they mean to you as you never know when they will be taken from you.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I cannot begin to think what this must be like for you

3:24 AM  
Blogger Parisjasmal said...

You were very lucky to have had a wonderful Daddy.

I am so sorry for your loss.

4:53 AM  
Blogger TessaJ said...

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. It's a difficult process, but talking about it helps. I sometimes feel the urge to tell everyone -- even essential strangers -- about my dad. A friend who lost her father shortly after my dad died said she felt the same way; after her father died she had to resist running up to people on the subway and saying, "Don't you KNOW what's happened????"

10:35 AM  
Blogger A Novelist said...

I am so very sorry of your loss. I understand all too well the hurt of losing a father. My thoughts will be with you today. God bless you.

12:03 PM  

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